MURMAIDER - an Angry Fish

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Mar 19 2009 ∞

My rejected graduation speech

Dear Senior Class and other people who have wasted enormous amounts of time hence money to be here,
Today has been blown out of proportion to the inth degree, whatever inth happens to be. My mother says it. Blame her, she’s out there.
Some people call this a graduation, but I prefer to think of it as a great liberation. Some of us have chosen to prolong this with ‘grad school’, so be it. You’d tolerated 16 years (likely), and why not some more? Knock yourselves out.
For many of the rest of us, we embark upon a great crusade, we will be fighting in office buildings, communications arrays, laboratories and if we’re fucking lucky, space stations.
For the first time ever, all the safety nets are removed, and we can commit ourselves fully to failure or success however we may define those terms.
I plan on living out the American dream, and gambling like a drunken sailor. I pray many of you are just the same as I am, a lucky son of a bitch except I am an atheist, and I do not pray.
You success or failure does not directly influence me, but much like the water at the opposite end of the pool is not effected by you jumping into your end, it is still changed. Exactly like looking at something changes it, until SCIENCE! proved that a tree makes a sound when it falls in the woods, except that that sound could be a tree falling or a long and somber tubuzlaphone (it’s new, you’ve never heard of it) note. If this is news to you, I advise you to waste still more time on the internet. Make a tumblr, get a twitter, read 4chan, POST on 4chan, become the same, a true human being.
We’re animals and the sooner you realize this, the closer you’ll be toward some sort of TRUTH.
2+2=4 is truth, but just like entering 171 exclamation point into your calculator will make it shit itself is truth. I’m talking about REAL truth. Do you know the feeling you get when Samuel L. Jackson says, “MOTHERFUCKER!” with the crazy look in his eyes? That’s the kind of TRUTH I’m talking about.
We are a primate who through a combination of talent, luck and persistence, have managed to conquer, kill or destroy anything we’ve come across and we will continue to do so. It’s in our genes. Ask the bio majors, if they say otherwise, they’re either full of shit or we haven’t found it or both(!), as one kind of presupposes the other.
But know this, Luck, like muses, my muse and especially YOUR muse, is a fickle bitch, who will as soon love you as leave you, which means that she’s giving you the best handjob you’ve ever received when the drill pierces your eye. Don’t trust Luck, and for that matter, don’t trust anyone.
As for talent, you probably don’t have any. I don’t. It’s cool. Get over it. There’s nearly 7 billion of this aggressive primate on this planet with more on the way, so if you’re just a face in the crowd and you can’t cope with this, don’t have kids. If you can cope with it, you’ve beat an illusion and more power to you. If you decide to have kids, consider having an invisible baby named “never cries” and “dissappearsatwill”. I have several and it’s great.
As for persistence, get used to it if you haven’t. The only thing that most of us have is time, and more of our time spent on hard work the farther we’ll get. Some us might have “sweet connections”, but most of us don’t, and nobody ever has as many friends as they think they do. When you encounter something you are unable to go over, under, around, you go through. And if you have to, you bang your head until you are through. Bang it until you pass out, and when you wake up, do it again. Never give, never surrender. Things are only impossible until they aren’t. My cousin, a rocket scientist, says, “To every rule there is a generalization, and to every generalization there is an exception.”
When one ant finds a nice plump and unprotected humanoid baby to carry back to the hive, divide and consume, ALL THE ANTS BENEFIT. As much as baseball players pointing into the outfield before a big hit can improve the will of terminally ill children, my success and yours will improve the lives of all of us.
I wish you the best of luck. Should your rocket explode on the launch pad, go all ‘challenger’ *cough*stockmarket*cough* on us, or like many a martian probe, crash into its ultimate goal and blow around a bunch of red dust, no worries. We will try and try again, until the very day that sub-atomic particles are the unit of currency, we will progress.
Think of it as rowing one big motherfuckin’ boat. You have an oar, and you can either name this boat the Enterprise or the Bounty or even the VICTORY (*eye brow furrow* Trafalgar, look that shit up).You are the captain of your own vessel, but we’re all in the fleet.
Above all else, have fun, laugh, get off, get high. Find a way or get out of the way.
Godspeed Gentlefolk,
Also as a final note, I’m using this time to give this institution its final grade which will determine if I ever give it money again, and as I haven’t laughed yet and this speech was rejected less than six hours after I submitted it, I’m thinking failure. I shall gleefully never give this school a fucking dime again. Thank you very much, I will keep my success to myself.

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